In high school, I would go to church retreats with my youth group and pray for renewal in my faith. I think I was under the impression that if I just prayed a little harder, read the Bible with a little more discipline, and volunteered a little more at church…maybe I would stop doubting so much.

Now I think back and chuckle at my hubris. It was always about me and what I was doing. Everything had to be under my control — even something as uncontrollable as a relationship with God.

Recently, I emptied my plate of a lot of responsibilities. I graduated college, but I didn’t look for a job right away. I’m fortunate that I was able to do that. And I think — maybe for the first time in my life — I’m experiencing genuine renewal. I’m curious about God, and not because I feel like I have to know who God is to be a good person. I just want to know more. I don’t doubt God’s existence like I used to, and not because I discovered any hardcore evidence. It just feels obvious and paradoxically unimportant. Of course God exists. The question is, what now? How will I move forward knowing God is here?

For me, renewal was less about doing more things and more about making space in my life to hear what God has to say. For the first time in my life, I think I’m ready to listen.

Amy Shim

Amy is a 20-something-year-old person residing in Ventura County. You can learn more about her on her website: amyshim.net.